Hey,
So in the past week I've made a goodbye thread and a comeback thread xd.
This thread is about me as a person, it's not an introduction because otherwise you would've find this thread in the Introduction section. No, this is a thread where I'm talking about my life. And omy, I've been through enough and I want to share it with all of you guys <3.
So I've been thinking about making this thread because why should a normal member share such a big part of his history/present? I see everyone on Cubecraft as a friend, some better than others but always friends. And for me it's important that my friends now how things are going with me, like if I'm feeling a bit down they can help me or they at least know what's happening.
So let's start. Some of you know I'm openly gay, but nobody knows this, I'm depressed and this is how my life was for the past 2 years.
Since the summer last year my parents got divorced, I always thought my parents were a couple who could never break up, they were so the same, they had the same kind of humor, they shared the same interests and they had the same hobbies. Until my dad said that he was going to live somewhere else for 1 year. Just before the holidays he came back and we went to the US for 5 weeks. When we came back from vacation my parents announced that they were going to divorce.
After my dad told us that he was going to live somewhere else it seriously felt like my life was falling apart. Since that moment I was just starting with my last year before the year of my exams, I passed that year with a 6/10 and with a 5/10 I wouldn't pass so it was a very close call. When my parents announced that they were going to divorce I was just starting with my last year and I immediately knew I wouldn't pass this year, my grades were so bad, I didn't paid attention in the classroom, my friends were talking but I didn't hear them. I was already seeing a psychologist for 5 months but it didn't helped. This was the moment my depression got from bad to worse. I was looking on the internet for help because I didn't want my parents to know that I was depressed. After a couple of days I saw an add in the newspaper about a women who talked to children about there depression, so I made the call. The first session was free no matter how long it took. My first session with the women lasted for three and a half hours. When I walked out of her house I felt so released. I was feeling great again and school was going good, you saw the change in my grades. But it all felt apart again when someone I knew committed suicide. he hang himself at a bridge near my school, people saw him hanging the other morning when they were going to school. It was horrible, maybe we weren't great friends or something but I always liked him.
In the holidays of New Year I came out for a lot of my friends and family, of course this was bringing problems too. When you tell 40 people a secret 20 of them will tell it to other people, people know I'm gay while I don't even know that they know it. It's very frustrating and annoying because I can't be myself if I'm with people who don't know I'm gay and now I don't know who knows it. The other thing is, people are texting me with swearwords while I didn't even told them. It doesn't feels like I'm being bullied because I know a lot of my friends are helping me but I there are just like 7 boys who are doing these things.
Now back to the guy who committed suicide, a friend of him and also a super good friend of me committed suicide too.
3 months ago he overdosed himself, his parents found him the night of the accident. They brought him to a hospital nearby but died on the way the to hospital. All his friends (including me) received a letter the next day about his death. Because I didn't knew what to do I ran away from home, I slept at a friends house for nearly a week while my parents didn't knew where I was. Of course it didn't made me feel any better and I just came back to my parents because I didn't knew what to do. Crying and thinking about also taking my own life was the only thing I could do for those days.
2 weeks after his death I told my mom about me being depressed. We talked about it for some hours and we closed the conversation with a hug. Now this may be a bit weird for some people but I thought twice about committing suicide too, I'm depressed for nearly 2 years now and I still wake up with a headache and the thought about me not being alive and sometimes it can be a good thought. A month ago I called the women from the paper again and I made an appointment, my parents are paying for it and it really helps. I found my peace in yoga and meditation, I can also write away a lot of thoughts. I'm currently working on some sort of a biography about this chapter of my life.
I've cried while writing this, I still call myself depressed because I still can't feel the happiness in somethings while there should only be happiness. Like when I kissed my boyfriend, I should have felt happiness but I didn't. I felt pain and only pain.
Luckily it's going better now but it's still a far road before I can be myself again.
Well, this is my story. If you have any questions or you want to talk about this with me you can always start a conversation with me or you can contact me on Discord.
So in the past week I've made a goodbye thread and a comeback thread xd.
This thread is about me as a person, it's not an introduction because otherwise you would've find this thread in the Introduction section. No, this is a thread where I'm talking about my life. And omy, I've been through enough and I want to share it with all of you guys <3.
So I've been thinking about making this thread because why should a normal member share such a big part of his history/present? I see everyone on Cubecraft as a friend, some better than others but always friends. And for me it's important that my friends now how things are going with me, like if I'm feeling a bit down they can help me or they at least know what's happening.
So let's start. Some of you know I'm openly gay, but nobody knows this, I'm depressed and this is how my life was for the past 2 years.
Since the summer last year my parents got divorced, I always thought my parents were a couple who could never break up, they were so the same, they had the same kind of humor, they shared the same interests and they had the same hobbies. Until my dad said that he was going to live somewhere else for 1 year. Just before the holidays he came back and we went to the US for 5 weeks. When we came back from vacation my parents announced that they were going to divorce.
After my dad told us that he was going to live somewhere else it seriously felt like my life was falling apart. Since that moment I was just starting with my last year before the year of my exams, I passed that year with a 6/10 and with a 5/10 I wouldn't pass so it was a very close call. When my parents announced that they were going to divorce I was just starting with my last year and I immediately knew I wouldn't pass this year, my grades were so bad, I didn't paid attention in the classroom, my friends were talking but I didn't hear them. I was already seeing a psychologist for 5 months but it didn't helped. This was the moment my depression got from bad to worse. I was looking on the internet for help because I didn't want my parents to know that I was depressed. After a couple of days I saw an add in the newspaper about a women who talked to children about there depression, so I made the call. The first session was free no matter how long it took. My first session with the women lasted for three and a half hours. When I walked out of her house I felt so released. I was feeling great again and school was going good, you saw the change in my grades. But it all felt apart again when someone I knew committed suicide. he hang himself at a bridge near my school, people saw him hanging the other morning when they were going to school. It was horrible, maybe we weren't great friends or something but I always liked him.
In the holidays of New Year I came out for a lot of my friends and family, of course this was bringing problems too. When you tell 40 people a secret 20 of them will tell it to other people, people know I'm gay while I don't even know that they know it. It's very frustrating and annoying because I can't be myself if I'm with people who don't know I'm gay and now I don't know who knows it. The other thing is, people are texting me with swearwords while I didn't even told them. It doesn't feels like I'm being bullied because I know a lot of my friends are helping me but I there are just like 7 boys who are doing these things.
Now back to the guy who committed suicide, a friend of him and also a super good friend of me committed suicide too.
3 months ago he overdosed himself, his parents found him the night of the accident. They brought him to a hospital nearby but died on the way the to hospital. All his friends (including me) received a letter the next day about his death. Because I didn't knew what to do I ran away from home, I slept at a friends house for nearly a week while my parents didn't knew where I was. Of course it didn't made me feel any better and I just came back to my parents because I didn't knew what to do. Crying and thinking about also taking my own life was the only thing I could do for those days.
2 weeks after his death I told my mom about me being depressed. We talked about it for some hours and we closed the conversation with a hug. Now this may be a bit weird for some people but I thought twice about committing suicide too, I'm depressed for nearly 2 years now and I still wake up with a headache and the thought about me not being alive and sometimes it can be a good thought. A month ago I called the women from the paper again and I made an appointment, my parents are paying for it and it really helps. I found my peace in yoga and meditation, I can also write away a lot of thoughts. I'm currently working on some sort of a biography about this chapter of my life.
I've cried while writing this, I still call myself depressed because I still can't feel the happiness in somethings while there should only be happiness. Like when I kissed my boyfriend, I should have felt happiness but I didn't. I felt pain and only pain.
Luckily it's going better now but it's still a far road before I can be myself again.
Well, this is my story. If you have any questions or you want to talk about this with me you can always start a conversation with me or you can contact me on Discord.
