In my thread called "My depression and me" I was talking about some sort of a story about depression. Well, here it is. I hope I can help people with there problems. <3.
My heavily depression.
I’m Stan and I’m 16 years old, I’m depressed for over 4 years. Officially I’m depressed for nearly 3 years now. I can’t really say when it started but I do know what made it worse. The divorce of my parents, the suicide of 2 friends and me coming out for my friends. These are a few of the big happenings in my life what made my depression almost unbearable. Other things are things like a bad grade or a mean person, but all those things stuffed in like 2 years made me almost trying to kill myself. For some people it’s weird to think that suicide is a good solution for your problems. I know it’s not a good solution but I can relate to so much things I’ve seen in suicide notes. Like the feeling that nobody cares about you, or the feeling that everyone’s life would be better if you were dead. The feeling of being the problem of everyone like you’re making everything worse just by being alive.
Last year I didn’t knew what to do about my depression and I was just being depressed, now I know what to do about but it still goes slow.
Talking about it should help but I know it doesn’t. Well, it does help but not for so long. I mean like if your life were numbers and you started at 100, every depressed feeling is -10 and talking about it +5. If you’re at 0 you killed yourself. A normal human will be at like 60 at the end of his life, I’m currently on like 30 and it’s not going better. The weird thing is, my number can change in a day. Depression is not a feeling you have for a period in your life, it’s more like how you feel on that day. I’ve had days where I felt like a 70 and other days I felt like a 10. As I said, only talking about it is not helping. The few most helpful things were: online shopping, yoga, meditation, reading, writing and playing the drums. Let’s start at online shopping, I don’t know what it is but I can become so happy if I just put some clothes in my online shopping cart. Yoga and meditation is really helpful for me as a person. Just lying in my bed and watching my breath can take some depressed feelings and thoughts away. Also writing is so helpful, just write your thoughts away. It doesn’t even have to make sense but writing about your feelings can really help.
These things can be enough but I know for me it wasn’t I had a few super depressed periods. Periods where I wasn’t myself anymore, periods where I was angry at everyone and periods where I just wasn’t ready to live.
I think my worst depressing time was in August 2016, a friend had killed himself and my parents just announced that they were going to divorce. My whole life was just falling apart in 1 month. I literally went from a good 60 to a very low 5. I had nightmares, thoughts and even plans to kill myself. I felt like nothing could stop me, not even my friends or family. Not even my boyfriend could have stopped me at that moment. The feeling of depression isn’t explainable, you’re just always tired of anything and I felt like I couldn’t talk about it. I mean explaining to others what’s going on in your head is so stressful when you don’t even know what’s going on yourself. People were always asking me if I were ok but I always lied and said that I didn’t slept very well.
At this moment my depression is still not over. After 3 years of being depressed it feels like nothing has changed, I still have nightmares, I sometimes still think about suicide and I still feel alone in this world. Even when I know I’ve got some great friends and family. Although I’m still in a depression I feel it’s getting better, it’s going so slow you almost don’t see it but I see the difference every month. but it’s still a long long long way for me to say that I’m not depressed anymore. I think once you are depressed you never really can get out of it, I know this sounds a bit dumb but once you know how it is you can’t lose it. Everyone is trying to lose it but there are also a lot of people who fall back in the depression.
I know it may be weird to hear that I’ve thought about committing suicide but for someone with heavily depression it’s actually quite unusual that I’m still living. This may sound a bit over the top but it isn’t, most of the people who are heavily depressed did already killed themselves. I’m not saying everyone with heavily depression committed suicide but most of them did. I also don’t want to call me a brave or strong person because I would rather kill myself than living another day with this feeling. I don’t want to shock people with how I feel but it’s the truth and I won’t hide it.
Symptoms of being heavily depressed are things like:
- Insomnia
- Loss of interest in activities that used to be enjoyable
- Hopelessness
- Thoughts of death or suicide or even suicide attempts
Well I can say that I have all 4 of those. I usually sleep less than 5 hours, I can’t enjoy a day in the city with my best friends, I’m kind of desperate and I don’t know how I show this but I can feel it or something. Well as I already said, I have thought about suicide a couple of times. I’m not proud of it or something but it is the truth. And although I did think about it, I never filled the bathtub, I never wrote my letter and I still haven’t said goodbye.
When my parents and my sister went away for a week they brought me to a hospital so I didn’t get the change of killing myself. I’m depressed and suicidal and they know it. However, I was always thinking about killing myself I never had the courage to do it. But I know that when I’m in the bathtub with a knife, I would cut my wrists…
Love,
Netflix - Stan
