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Magia - Season 1: Revolution (A PMMM Related Story)

Discussion in 'Media' started by CrystalMoonlight94, Nov 17, 2014.

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Isn't "Magia" by Kalafina the best song ever? :D

  1. YASSSSS :D

    66.7%
  2. lolno.

    33.3%
  1. CrystalMoonlight94

    CrystalMoonlight94 Member

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    Mmkay, so here's the dealio.
    This is a story called "Magia". It relates to an anime called "Puella Magi Madoka Magica". If you don't know anything about the series or it's spin-offs, you will certainly get confused. Okay? Good. Let's begin.

    [​IMG]
    ~~~~~
    Magia Series - Season 1: Revolution

    Episode 1, "You Have Become the Meguca"
    [​IMG]

    It was the early morning... Birds chirped outside and danced about on the branches. The girl known as Madoka Kaname lifted up from bed, yawning after she pulled the sheets off of her. She turned up and then stood to her feet. Madoka stopped, realizing that yawn... it was of a girl. She was a girl, wasn't she? Madoka slowly looked down to her body... She was a girl, wait, wasn't she always a girl? Madoka poked her small, tiny breasts. Yep, they were real, yet small. "Wh...what..WHAT IS THIS?", Madoka's eyes widened as she quickly turned to a mirror, seeing her own reflect.
    "Wait..wait..wait... Wh..WHAT IS THIS?", Madoka continued yelling toward the mirror as she walked forward, extending a hand and touching the window. Truth was, you weren't Madoka, Madoka was an anime character. You were now Madoka. "Wh...I'm.. Madoka.. wh-what the hell...", you stood there, dumbfounded. Your train of thought was broken by your would-be mother, Junko, yelling up from down stairs. "Madoka, are you ready for school?" You look toward the door and then look down to your own body.
    You think to yourself... "What... the hell do I do..."
    ~~~~~

    So, what do you think? Should I make more? Did you even watch this series? Leave feedback! Plez. ;_;
     
  2. Mixeduplegos

    Mixeduplegos Member

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    I'm sorry but is this going to become a running trope where you post only the first chapter of a half baked idea you had?

    I don't want to be mean but I read and write (not stories) a lot and the overall quality of your chapters posted so far are pretty low. In this case for example, you can already find errors in the writing such as incorrect tenses or simply not using the correct words at times which makes you seem like an amateur, "seeing her own reflect". On top of that you change the person from 3rd to 2nd person which makes no sense at all. It gives the impression that us, the readers, are the character, which I have no idea if it was what you were going for. Overall the transition is too swift.

    Then there's the stories you post which you appear to be something you thought about for 5 seconds and then, as seen by your posts, moved on like a child who quickly loses interest on a toy. The stories themselves are extremely cliché, already using tropes in the 'first chapter', not to mention the lack of literary devices even simple ones like similes, and in this particular case, even though its a fan story, context should almost always be given, we have no idea what's happening, there is no build up.

    Punctuation... Don't do... This... Overusing certain literary aspects... Like the simple three dots... Is plain wrong... Unless it serves... A purpose... Ex... First person narrative of a character in a coma... Also, stories rarely fully capitalize a word when expressing exclamation, normally found more when an object/note/place stands out (just an example).

    Finally, develop your plot and world, il repeat it, these ideas are overused and they overall seem to be silly. Focus, give an aim to your story; what exactly is the purpose of the story? This is more important than the story itself, as we need to know what it is teaching us. These chapters are also very short, which isn't bad, sometimes authors use these snipets or metaphorical/foreshadowing ideas in a small first chapter to create intrigue and possibly more layers of understanding in the story... Your's however is way too obvious, they remind me of the index one can find in a history book, you're giving out too much information and at the same time too little, because there is no detail, which can be used to your advantage, but I don't really think you dominate enough to use this.

    I would like to remind you this is my opinion and attempt to give fully constructive criticism, I am in no way trying to negatively impact your work, any idea at the end of the day is a chance for a beautiful story, and clichés sometimes are better than trying to always think outside the box. This is very good work for someone your age, and given time, you will most likely improve, as you clearly have potential. Please, don't think im implying I could do better than this, I actually doubt that, this is just to help you.

    Also, guys, please dont try to 'correct' me or point out my mistakes, as this is just an opinion. I'm human, everybody makes mistakes.
     
    YounB and Trickmaster like this.
  3. CrystalMoonlight94

    CrystalMoonlight94 Member

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    ...I'm such a procrastinator. ;_;
    I agree, my chapter quality is really low... I came up with the idea for "Magia: Revolution" on a whim, which is why the spelling looks so bad. If only an edit button existed. Then I could edit the thing to have better spelling. ;_;
    I am in fact a newbie, so it makes sense that I would utterly fail...
    And yes, I was in fact going for the reader to be the main character... Except you dunno anything about the main character. The main character somehow forgot who dafuq she is when she ended up in Madoka's body. Oh yeah, the main character's a she. It's a fanfic for people who have watched all 12 episodes of "Puella Magi Madoka Magica", so I can understand where you're coming from. And yes, I really do suck at transitions. My weakest point...
    Again, I really hate my procrastination. ;_;
    What are similes? My literature class hasn't told me what those are... (Okay, before you think I'm stupid... I fell behind two grades due to... Family issues, so to speak.)
    Build up... Another weak point... Well, everyone sucks at everything when they first start doing something, right?
    Well... I guess the main character is extremely confused? I don't even know what she's thinking other than "WTF AM I DOING IN THE BODY OF AN ANIME CHARACTER."
    Developing the world is something I'm planning on doing once I stop procrastinating and getting to chapter 2 of "Let the Stars Fall Down"... If that ever happens.
    I'm not very good with detail, unfortunately...
    Well, thank you for the constructive criticism! It really helps. :D