Sorry it's late everybody, I was meant to submit this nine hours ago but Freedom banned me right as I began proof-reading it :/
A New Future for CubeCraft Games
Helloidiots everybody! Since Cubecraft still hasn't gotten back to 30,000 players yet and is therefore by all reasonable standards a dead server, I have taken it upon myself to suggest a future update. This update is perhaps the greatest thing in all of human history and I'm sure you're going to want statues of me built into every lobby. But what is this update?
Introducing... CubeCraft IRL!
The idea of this update is to nullify those pesky requirements that make CubeCraft difficult to play for many people, thereby increasing the playerbase tremendously. Think about it: You need a computer or console, a copy of Minecraft, AND an internet package, just to be able to play this server! That is where CubeCraft IRL comes in. It is a brand new version of the server that allows anybody to play its excellent games, without a computer or console! That's right, this server will require absolutely nothing of its players. You do not even need internet, meaning you can finally become a Minecraft MLG Superstar despite your Burger King connection. But how does it work?
How it works
CubeCraft IRL works by optimising a pre-installed feature of most human minds: Imagination. By connecting to the Imagination, you will be able to play all of CubeCraft's greatest games at any time, with anybody you like. You can earn points that can be spent on cosmetic items, add friends, discover new lobbies and territories, and even take on the game's greatest challenge: Overcoming the various restraining orders, mental institutions and prisons that exist across the network.
What games will there be?
The number of games will unfortunately be quite small upon release, since the average CubeCraft player has a very undeveloped Imagination. However, as the average player levels up and explores all that the network has to offer, we will be able to release more games for it, all of which will be absolutely free of charge! Let's take a look at some of the network's launch titles, shall we?
Eggwars
That's right, the fan-favourite game will be available on day one. Eggwars works slightly differently on CubeCraft IRL, but the premise remains the same.
After joining the game, you will be assigned a target whose egg you must destroy. Their egg is usually kept in the fridge inside their house, which will likely be under heavy surveillance. To win the game, you must break into their house without getting caught, and crack their egg. Be careful, however: If your own egg is destroyed, you lose.
The enemy team will probably be adopting powerful safety measures to protect their egg. Some of these measures involve burglar alarms, locked doors, reinforced windows and fences. If you are struggling to penetrate these defences, you may trade either bars of iron and gold or diamonds with your local arms-dealer. You will in exchange receive tools such as pickaxes, axes and swords to help deconstruct those menacing defences.
An experimental feature new to CubeCraft IRL will be International Eggwars. The same rules apply as stated above, except in this mode the enemy you are assigned will always be in a different country. This game is hyper-competitive and is designed only for the best Eggwars players out there, typically lasting at least a couple of days. It will require you to truly distance yourself from your egg; how good are your defences?
Rewards for this game might include an arrest warrant, which you can exchange at your local police station for 300 points and a temporary ban, and the fabled Golden Egg. This is easily the coolest unlock in the game, for it coats your egg in a shiny layer of solid gold. It is however purely cosmetic, providing no protection for your egg.
Skywars
Indeed, Skywars will also star in this brand new network. It too will work only slightly differently to what we're all used to.
In CubeCraft IRL, Skywars sees the player venture the high skies with a thirst for glory. The objective? Slay all the enemy birds and claim dominion over the clouds. The best way to do this is to search the houses and shops on your street for weapons. You never know what you'll find, though you are more likely to find powerful weaponry on the America map. Once you've found some weapons, it's time to get slaying. Pigeons are worth a single point, seagulls are worth three, albatrosses are worth ten and eagles are worth fifty. I have found that the best way to win this game is to take a plane high into the clouds, and just unload a whole round of Harming II arrows from my Knockback II bow. You can also find bread and use it to lure the enemies towards you, though this decreases your speed by about 40%.
Watch out for lightning strikes! Killing them grants you a thousand points and a small amount of local fame, but they are very dangerous and will probably one-shot you.
Rewards for this game include filthy feathers which can be exchanged for a variety ofdiseases points, a letter from PETA, and a prison sentence ban of up to six months.
PvP
PvP sees the player fight to the death in morbid combat against their fellow neighbou- haha, just kidding you gullible toad, there is no PvP in CubeCraft IRL! Yes, if it was not already obvious, there are no attack options in any of CubeCraft IRL's games. If you do choose to attack players anyways, you may be banned from the network for up to a life sentence.
Creative
We promise we won't screw it up this time...
We are determined to get it right this time, therefore we have introduced a very innovative feature: The pre-build! That's right, if you lack the creativity to build say, The White House, you can simply head on over to Washington and edit the real thing to your heart's content. Want to make it The Blue House? Simply exchange your hard-earned points at the local paint store and go ham from the roof the greatest building in America. You will have to give credit to the original creators, but otherwise this build is yours to keep.
Note: Griefing will be punishable to the maximum extent of the law. If you find 10 Downing Street has been painted rainbow and half the ceiling is missing, it's pretty obvious it belongs to somebody else; if you make any edits to it, you will be banned from the network.
We are also introducing the Patreon and Advertisement features, which are the new best ways to earn points. If a big corporation takes an interest in your plot, they might give you a bucket full of points to advertise on it. If your builds begin to attract a fan-base, well you can now use Patreon to make more points from your work. If your plot is a collaboration, you might consider paying an employee 10% of your income to do 95% of the work by lying about how much you're being paid. That's right, we're even endorsingscamming capitalism this time around! However, you are not allowed to earn points from pre-build plots regardless of how many adjustments you make to them, since we also want to respect the original creators.
Parkour
Immersion just got a brand new image...
Parkour also makes an agile return to CubeCraft, featuring all new maps such as The Grand Canyon or The Skate Park Where all the Cool Kids Hang Out After School (working title). The Patreon feature will also be included in Parkour, as well as the Sponsorship feature where you equip branded merchandise to earn points while you play. As you level up your Fitness skill, you will gradually unlock new courses and more efficient movement options such as the Long Jump, Double Jump, Forward Roll and the Vault. Moreover, outfits from your local sports store will actually be non-vanity, meaning you can earn temperature, hydration, defence and grip bonuses based on the items you have equipped.
Rewards from Parkour include a sponsorship scheme, a healthier lifestyle and literal death.
The Shop
Gimme your money x
CubeCraft IRL has perhaps the most expansive shop system of all time. Now, instead of browsing those clunky vanity tabs as you try to find your penguin hat, you can purchase a wardrobe where you can view your fabulous fashions in person. Vanity has had a massive graphical upgrade, offering new textures and variants of pre-existing items. If your wardrobe is scarce, excellent news: We've ditched the Cubelet system. You can head to your local Hot Topic and pick out whichever item you want, presuming you have the points to pay for it.
Note: Stealing is against the game rules and you will bearrested banned if caught.
The Moderator Team
These fine fellows are here to make sure you're all playing fair.
Note: Staff are more prone to abuse their powers in CubeCraft IRL and will literally never be demoted no matter what. It's best if you just let them win if you're playing Eggwars together.
Release date
So by now you've probably kicked your cat through the window in sheer excitement, and are screaming one question at the screen: When does it release?
Don't worry folks, we've verified with scientists and the kind fellas from the History Channel and they've determined that this all-new immersive CCG Network will release... SoonTM.
A New Future for CubeCraft Games
Hello
Introducing... CubeCraft IRL!
The idea of this update is to nullify those pesky requirements that make CubeCraft difficult to play for many people, thereby increasing the playerbase tremendously. Think about it: You need a computer or console, a copy of Minecraft, AND an internet package, just to be able to play this server! That is where CubeCraft IRL comes in. It is a brand new version of the server that allows anybody to play its excellent games, without a computer or console! That's right, this server will require absolutely nothing of its players. You do not even need internet, meaning you can finally become a Minecraft MLG Superstar despite your Burger King connection. But how does it work?
How it works
CubeCraft IRL works by optimising a pre-installed feature of most human minds: Imagination. By connecting to the Imagination, you will be able to play all of CubeCraft's greatest games at any time, with anybody you like. You can earn points that can be spent on cosmetic items, add friends, discover new lobbies and territories, and even take on the game's greatest challenge: Overcoming the various restraining orders, mental institutions and prisons that exist across the network.
What games will there be?
The number of games will unfortunately be quite small upon release, since the average CubeCraft player has a very undeveloped Imagination. However, as the average player levels up and explores all that the network has to offer, we will be able to release more games for it, all of which will be absolutely free of charge! Let's take a look at some of the network's launch titles, shall we?
Eggwars
That's right, the fan-favourite game will be available on day one. Eggwars works slightly differently on CubeCraft IRL, but the premise remains the same.
After joining the game, you will be assigned a target whose egg you must destroy. Their egg is usually kept in the fridge inside their house, which will likely be under heavy surveillance. To win the game, you must break into their house without getting caught, and crack their egg. Be careful, however: If your own egg is destroyed, you lose.
The enemy team will probably be adopting powerful safety measures to protect their egg. Some of these measures involve burglar alarms, locked doors, reinforced windows and fences. If you are struggling to penetrate these defences, you may trade either bars of iron and gold or diamonds with your local arms-dealer. You will in exchange receive tools such as pickaxes, axes and swords to help deconstruct those menacing defences.
An experimental feature new to CubeCraft IRL will be International Eggwars. The same rules apply as stated above, except in this mode the enemy you are assigned will always be in a different country. This game is hyper-competitive and is designed only for the best Eggwars players out there, typically lasting at least a couple of days. It will require you to truly distance yourself from your egg; how good are your defences?
Rewards for this game might include an arrest warrant, which you can exchange at your local police station for 300 points and a temporary ban, and the fabled Golden Egg. This is easily the coolest unlock in the game, for it coats your egg in a shiny layer of solid gold. It is however purely cosmetic, providing no protection for your egg.
Skywars
Indeed, Skywars will also star in this brand new network. It too will work only slightly differently to what we're all used to.
In CubeCraft IRL, Skywars sees the player venture the high skies with a thirst for glory. The objective? Slay all the enemy birds and claim dominion over the clouds. The best way to do this is to search the houses and shops on your street for weapons. You never know what you'll find, though you are more likely to find powerful weaponry on the America map. Once you've found some weapons, it's time to get slaying. Pigeons are worth a single point, seagulls are worth three, albatrosses are worth ten and eagles are worth fifty. I have found that the best way to win this game is to take a plane high into the clouds, and just unload a whole round of Harming II arrows from my Knockback II bow. You can also find bread and use it to lure the enemies towards you, though this decreases your speed by about 40%.
Watch out for lightning strikes! Killing them grants you a thousand points and a small amount of local fame, but they are very dangerous and will probably one-shot you.
Rewards for this game include filthy feathers which can be exchanged for a variety of
PvP
PvP sees the player fight to the death in morbid combat against their fellow neighbou- haha, just kidding you gullible toad, there is no PvP in CubeCraft IRL! Yes, if it was not already obvious, there are no attack options in any of CubeCraft IRL's games. If you do choose to attack players anyways, you may be banned from the network for up to a life sentence.
Creative
We promise we won't screw it up this time...
We are determined to get it right this time, therefore we have introduced a very innovative feature: The pre-build! That's right, if you lack the creativity to build say, The White House, you can simply head on over to Washington and edit the real thing to your heart's content. Want to make it The Blue House? Simply exchange your hard-earned points at the local paint store and go ham from the roof the greatest building in America. You will have to give credit to the original creators, but otherwise this build is yours to keep.
Note: Griefing will be punishable to the maximum extent of the law. If you find 10 Downing Street has been painted rainbow and half the ceiling is missing, it's pretty obvious it belongs to somebody else; if you make any edits to it, you will be banned from the network.
We are also introducing the Patreon and Advertisement features, which are the new best ways to earn points. If a big corporation takes an interest in your plot, they might give you a bucket full of points to advertise on it. If your builds begin to attract a fan-base, well you can now use Patreon to make more points from your work. If your plot is a collaboration, you might consider paying an employee 10% of your income to do 95% of the work by lying about how much you're being paid. That's right, we're even endorsing
Parkour
Immersion just got a brand new image...
Parkour also makes an agile return to CubeCraft, featuring all new maps such as The Grand Canyon or The Skate Park Where all the Cool Kids Hang Out After School (working title). The Patreon feature will also be included in Parkour, as well as the Sponsorship feature where you equip branded merchandise to earn points while you play. As you level up your Fitness skill, you will gradually unlock new courses and more efficient movement options such as the Long Jump, Double Jump, Forward Roll and the Vault. Moreover, outfits from your local sports store will actually be non-vanity, meaning you can earn temperature, hydration, defence and grip bonuses based on the items you have equipped.
Rewards from Parkour include a sponsorship scheme, a healthier lifestyle and literal death.
The Shop
Gimme your money x
CubeCraft IRL has perhaps the most expansive shop system of all time. Now, instead of browsing those clunky vanity tabs as you try to find your penguin hat, you can purchase a wardrobe where you can view your fabulous fashions in person. Vanity has had a massive graphical upgrade, offering new textures and variants of pre-existing items. If your wardrobe is scarce, excellent news: We've ditched the Cubelet system. You can head to your local Hot Topic and pick out whichever item you want, presuming you have the points to pay for it.
Note: Stealing is against the game rules and you will be
The Moderator Team
These fine fellows are here to make sure you're all playing fair.
Note: Staff are more prone to abuse their powers in CubeCraft IRL and will literally never be demoted no matter what. It's best if you just let them win if you're playing Eggwars together.
Release date
So by now you've probably kicked your cat through the window in sheer excitement, and are screaming one question at the screen: When does it release?
Don't worry folks, we've verified with scientists and the kind fellas from the History Channel and they've determined that this all-new immersive CCG Network will release... SoonTM.
